Well it is the end of the day and I am wide a wake. Unusual for me. My son and daughter in law are gone for the month. My husband is a sleep. And my daughter and son in law and granddaughter are safe and sound at their house. So here I set wondering can I blog? Not really sure I can....For one thing I hate to proof read. 2nd I really have no spare time. 3rd my grasp on grammar skills is tenuous at best. But here goes:
I am pushing 50. And just settling into empty nesting. A little over a year. Really closer to two years. It went fairly smooth. I am pretty much a realist. So I tend face things that I know are unlikely to change. That is not to say that I don't have my moments... where I cling to hope way to long. But in my defense, I an optimist at heart with a twist of realism thrown in. Does that make me quirky? Truthfully, I lean heavily on quirky.
Somewhere a long this journey, I lost the 12 year old girl I used to see in the mirror. I think I used to be really fun... at least in my own mind.... but in raising kids, a few rejections on life's path... then the 12 year old girl that hung around in the recesses of my mind and self image.... slowly faded. I think she had too. If for no other reason.... when you become the parent of preteens and teenagers... they really kill your own 12 year old self. How could you parent? The Gilmore Girls is a funny concept for TV.... but the reality is a parent is needed not a best friend.
So really I am finding my way, into middle age. I'm looking for the woman who emerged. To see who she is and if I like her. There are some things she does though. What happened to create this facet of her personality?
First she says things..... things that just come right out. No one asked her to say it... she just did. I think the fact that I spent all these years raising children, telling them what to do, when to do it, how to do it.... caused this phenomenon. Suddenly there is no one to tell what to do.... so unsolicited advise pops out, or unsolicited opinions are tossed out there. And sometimes it is not even gently spoken. No, where did the "people pleaser" I have always been go to? I think she may have exited with my children.
And this woman who thinks she is right on everything and she knows what everyone should do.... sometimes she emerges. I think she was created from parenting, as well. I mean they don't come with a manual. You kind of fly by the seat of your pants.... and when they turn out to not be ax murders.... you are reasonably sure that you can now direct the rest of the world with all your wisdom. I mean your children survived, they are reasonably intelligent, and they are not in jail-success- right?!
And there is the confrontational woman.... she is emerging on a regular basis. But seriously as a parent you had to develop that skill! I mean your children are born manipulators and negotiators.... what is a young inexperienced mother supposed to do..... she develops confrontation skills to survive. I mean really the moment she realizes that she did not give birth to the perfect children... once the illusion is broken ...she had to develop those confrontational woman skills. And really she came in handy. She can handle school problems, and bully situations. She was useful at the doctors office and the hospital stays. She was vital to parenting....and if she has gotten a little more aggressive the longer she hangs around....well really we are working on her bedside manner...right?
So I am beginning to wonder who else will emerge. After all you can't stay 12 forever.
